Too nice

I have heard multiple times in my life – from those with whom I am very close, as well as acquaintances – “You’re too nice.” It sounds like a compliment, yet, I could feel my heart twinge every time someone said it to me. I knew that this truth was not one of which to be proud.

There is being “nice” and then there is being “too nice”.

Being “too nice” cost me respect, my self-esteem, and my value. I sacrificed and gave everything I had to my marriage – to the point that I had nothing left to give. I believed that his happiness came before mine. I believed that, no matter what, the problems we had were due solely to a fault of my own. For years, I took my mind to anxiety-ridden, depressing places. Emotional suffering manifested itself physically – I had panic attacks. My jaw tightened for months at a time. It did not matter that I had been seeing a therapist or tried medication – which helped for a while – I still went to those places more often than not. I still cried and quivered on the floor, unable to catch my breath. I still felt physical pain.

How could I give so much, be so nice, and be here, in this mess, feeling so unloved and so deeply hurt? There are many other reasons. But, I will only share those I own. 

The last argument we had was about how I appeared “inhibited” at a mutual friend’s house for dinner. In that moment, I absolutely flipped. How could I be inhibited when I was… too nice? With my therapist, I have uncovered that being “too nice” is my defense. Be “too nice” and you will be wanted, loved, you will be “in” …inhibited.

I get it now.

A couple of months ago, my therapist assigned me a book to read called Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov.  The book approaches the “too nice” factor in terms of women’s relationships with men. However, at a higher level, it is really about being a "Bitch" in the sense that a "Bitch" is a strong, respected, valuable woman who stands on her own – a woman who understands the line between “nice” and “too nice”.

It has been very hard coming to terms with the fact that I am “too nice” and display such inhibition. I know that at my core I will always be uniquely soft, giving, and nice. But, I also know that somewhere inside is a Bitch with a capital “B”.

I am working toward recapturing everything I lost – toward understanding how to value, respect, and love myself.  Most days, it starts with taking a deep breath, sitting up straight, and reminding myself how far I have come and how much stronger I am becoming by choosing me first.

With love,

KB