The real thing
Blogged listening to: Ain’t nothing like the real thing
I went to a couple of weddings last year, and as a young divorcee in the throes of therapy, I thought about what wonderful unsolicited advice I could give a newly married couple to sustain their love throughout the years in addition to dishes, flatware, and cash. And, then I thought: Would my advice even count? What do I know?
After feeling like just another divorce statistic for some time, I reconciled with myself and decided that I had learned a lot about love… what it is not and what it is, what it wants and what it requires…
And so, my unsolicited advice on sustaining love is this:
Show up.
And I do not just mean be physically present, I mean show up
emotionally
intellectually
spiritually
Both of you. For each other. Completely. Every day.
We all know about showing up in one way or another. And maybe it sounds like simple advice - “Of course I am going to show up! I love them!” you say, “I know that love is tough, but we are a team and we got this!”
The thing about love though is that it requires the full team... And when the glow fades…
When you have to make really tough decisions involving serious compromises
When you are angry and deeply hurt about something they did or said
When health threatens or declines
When your job requires more of you than you want or are able to give
When your family competes for your attention
Are you still going to show up for each other completely? Are you still going to prioritize each other over everyone and everything else? You vow that you will. But, we also all know that love is more than words.
Abandonment is soul-crushing and distressing in indescribable ways... If you do not show up for each other - especially in your worst, most ugly moments - you cannot keep the kind of love that is “patient and kind”. If you “check out”, you cannot build the love that “protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres".
I believe that your love is what will carry you on the days where you question everything and your love is what will bring you peace. But, first, you both have to show up… and that is the real thing. Ain’t nothing like it.
...and I still believe that someday, I too, will know this extraordinary real thing.
with love,
KB
I went to a couple of weddings last year, and as a young divorcee in the throes of therapy, I thought about what wonderful unsolicited advice I could give a newly married couple to sustain their love throughout the years in addition to dishes, flatware, and cash. And, then I thought: Would my advice even count? What do I know?
After feeling like just another divorce statistic for some time, I reconciled with myself and decided that I had learned a lot about love… what it is not and what it is, what it wants and what it requires…
And so, my unsolicited advice on sustaining love is this:
Show up.
And I do not just mean be physically present, I mean show up
emotionally
intellectually
spiritually
Both of you. For each other. Completely. Every day.
We all know about showing up in one way or another. And maybe it sounds like simple advice - “Of course I am going to show up! I love them!” you say, “I know that love is tough, but we are a team and we got this!”
The thing about love though is that it requires the full team... And when the glow fades…
When you have to make really tough decisions involving serious compromises
When you are angry and deeply hurt about something they did or said
When health threatens or declines
When your job requires more of you than you want or are able to give
When your family competes for your attention
Are you still going to show up for each other completely? Are you still going to prioritize each other over everyone and everything else? You vow that you will. But, we also all know that love is more than words.
Abandonment is soul-crushing and distressing in indescribable ways... If you do not show up for each other - especially in your worst, most ugly moments - you cannot keep the kind of love that is “patient and kind”. If you “check out”, you cannot build the love that “protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres".
I believe that your love is what will carry you on the days where you question everything and your love is what will bring you peace. But, first, you both have to show up… and that is the real thing. Ain’t nothing like it.
...and I still believe that someday, I too, will know this extraordinary real thing.
with love,
KB
Beautifully written from the heart! I’d take your advice any day of the week :)
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