Nice for what

On Friday, October 7, 2016, the Access Hollywood tape was released where our now-President was heard "bragg[ing] that he could grope women and kiss them without consent because of his celebrity status."  

And then on November 8, 2016, he was elected.

On Thursday, September 27, 2018, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testified before Congress and told the world how Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, sexually assaulted her in 1982.  

And then the Senate voted to send him to the Supreme Court on October 6, 2018. He was sworn in hours later. 

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Many women, myself included, have been taught to be nice. Be non-confrontational, relationship-builders, harmony-keepers. Keep all the balls in the air and don't let a single one drop. I had perfected this modus operandi, but I was stinging inside. And so often, when I was angry in my marriage, tears followed. I expressed one emotion even though I truly felt another. Being angry felt futile. Or so I thought. And had experienced. But, being sad felt just the same. I cried because I hurt and felt so helpless - I felt that there was nothing I could do or say that mattered, that I wasn't "good enough", that there was no amount of "self-improvement" I could do that could save me or my marriage.

And when I finally finished mourning the end of it, when I finally tapered off of my anxiety medication, when I finally found space to breathe, I was beyond pissed at all of the truths and all of the lies. And while I worked through mostly the sadness in therapy, I also learned that this "nice" facade was complete bullshit.

(Note: He never physically hurt me.) 

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In addition to "being nice", we women are often raised to do certain things to prevent being sexually assaulted. Because, you know, "being nice" can't stand on its own, and clearly, we women are provoking sexual assault. These preventative measures are things we train ourselves to do without even giving them a second thought. Things we do every day to prevent every day occurrences. Jackson Katz in The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help, tells a story where women talk about these things...

• Carry a cell phone - I had a cell phone in the 8th grade shortly after 9/11. Not because it was cool (I was most certainly not a cool kid), but because my parents wanted to be able to reach me at any time.
  
• Don't go jogging at night - When I trained for a half-marathon, I never ran alone outside at night. Even though it was the dog days of summer in the District, I braved the heat.
  
• Lock all the windows at night - My windows are locked... as are the three locks on my door, Every. Single. Night. I live in a safe neighborhood.
  
• Hold your keys as a potential weapon - There is a certain way to hold your keys to inflict harm on an attacker. And if I ever feel scared, I will clutch them this way.
  
• Look in the back seat of the car before getting in - Just in case I forgot to lock the door. Even if my doors automatically lock. Even if I'm only at the gas station and right next to my car.
  
• Don't put my drink down and come back to it - Never ever. I always get a new one or give it to a trusted friend to hold.
  
• Make sure I see my drink being poured, own a big dog, park in well-lit areas, watch what I wear, go out in groups, meet men on first dates in public places, make sure to have a car or cab fare... The list goes on... 

And despite doing these things, many women still experience sexual assault, unwanted attention, and discomfort. And for every moment of clarity I have in responding to these situations, I have twice as many moments where I fall into being too nice or completely speechless. And then - I feel guilty and stupid... like I should have "known better". I haven't been sexually assaulted... but, I have been: 

• Followed from Lower Manhattan into a subway station, onto a train where I was watched, all the way to Grand Central Terminal...in broad daylight. I never ran so fast in heels in my life.
  
• Asked by a janitor if I would kiss him on the cheek while I was working late. I often worked late and sometimes we would say hello and chat for a minute. I reported him despite being afraid that I could cost him his job.
  
• Paid less than men I had more experience than my entire career. I was afraid that if I asked for what I wanted, not only would they tell me "no", but also that this would somehow be used against me in the future.
  
• Nearly assaulted at a red light driving home from the late showing of Harry Potter. Thankfully, the door was locked. I ran the red light.
  
• Asked repeatedly by an Uber driver after my friends got out of the car if I would go out with him. I reported him too. And then I thought that if I just hadn't made conversation at all, he wouldn't have asked.
  
• Kissed by a man who I later found out had a girlfriend. That was the end of that. But, I somehow still thought it was my fault. If only I had been smarter...
  
• The recipient of a naked Snapchat photo because apparently that's what I wanted. I know what I want, and it ain't that. I let him have it and then removed him.
  
• Complimented on my looks and rubbed on the shoulder at a professional event by someone I didn't know.  I am a f***ing professional and I am not here to look pretty or to be touched. But, then when he friended me on Instagram instead of LinkedIn like he said he would, I thought, "I should have never given him my name."
  
• Essentially told that what I could bring to the table didn't hold a candle to his 20 years of experience. I couldn't remove him from the project, but I could go around him.
  
• Witness to a PM who expressed that there was a hierarchy at the company and he was "pulling rank"... to a room full of women. While he meant that he wanted to "protect" those of us lower in the hierarchy from getting blasted by the client, he didn't clarify that until at least 20 minutes later. ...I didn't even have the words to clap back. Optics are everything.

Even more troubling is that women experience this unacceptable behavior and commentary not only at the hands and mouths of men, but also at those of other women. I have been told that:

• I should think about how being divorced looks if I am talking with other "spoken for" men. How dare you act like you have any idea of what happened in my divorce and talk to me like you think I'm some kind of whore.
  
• My complaining was "detrimental" to the team. To the team or your "authority"?
  
• My dress was too risqué. And why am I not allowed to look and feel sexy FOR ME?

I thought we were supposed to be helping each other out and raising each other up...Most of the time, I believe we are.

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You can be an esteemed professor in this female life. An actress. Singer. Politician. Olympic-gold gymnast. Decorated veteran. Businesswoman. Mom. Black. White. Latina. Asian. Native American. Heterosexual. Lesbian. Bisexual. It doesn't matter. One in five women will be raped at some point in her life. And more than sixty percent of the time, she will not report it.

So, why didn't Dr. Ford come forward all those years ago? I can't say with certainty because this hasn't happened to me, but, I imagine that she probably thought she would not be heard, dismissed, and then crucified. And she was. But, she was so angry. And so brave. Despite probably feeling what so many of us feel too often.

Being angry can feel so futile. Even with so many victories...the Women's March, Nevertheless, she Persisted, exposés and Me Too, defeating Roy Moore, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez...we still have events like the election of a delusional, misogynistic President and Kavanaugh's confirmation. And these blows make it easy for us to feel sad, and tired, and to just want to sit down and cry. Because this shouldn't even be a political thing.

I don't know how to balance the craziness that is American politics today with living my life each day. There are only so many hours and so many things I can say, do, and give. But, I know that I am tired. And I am beyond pissed. At all of the truths and all of the lies. And I am not playing nice anymore.

To all the badass, nasty women - Tuesday, November 6, 2018, matters deeply. For so many people, about so many issues. But, it's also about this one, even if it shouldn't be a political issue in the first place. Let's do this.

with love,

KB