Nothing feels better than this

"You look like a whale."

"You barely said anything. You weren't even memorable." 

"She isn't special enough for him." 

"You're not fat, but you could lose some weight." 

"You need to participate and speak up." 

"Have you stepped on the scale recently?" 

"You're being neurotic."

"You don't have the kind of deep conversations I want to have." 

"I know I invited you out with us, but it was supposed to be just us, so you can't come anymore." 

---

"What do you like about yourself?" she asked. I looked at her and I could feel tears ready to breach as my lips started to tremble. I couldn't think of a single thing. 

I saw myself as the 5'8", 180 pound teenager I used to be - I wore a size 16. I was one of the tallest and heaviest girls in class with minimal athletic ability.  

For so long, all I wanted was to be small. Fat was "unattractive". 

I saw myself as the extremely shy and unsure girl that wasn't "memorable". I was immensely afraid of saying the wrong thing or sounding like I didn't know what I was talking about. 

For so long, all I wanted was to be bubbly. Too shy wasn't "memorable". 

I saw myself as the too nice ex-wife who never stood up for herself. I let things happen that I should have never let happen. I let things that should have never been said, slide. I let myself become an option and not a priority. I didn't want to "take up any space." 

For so long, all I wanted was to be assertive. Too nice was "fake". 

I cried hard about those things that were said to my face or about me over the course of 17 years. But, I cried harder when I realized that I let those things drag me down to a point where I didn't love a single thing about myself. I attached my self worth to what people I knew, trusted, and loved said about me... and I lost so much of myself.  And that - that was a large part of my role in my divorce. 

---

Somewhere between those 17 years and before divorce therapy, I equated small with pretty, bubbly with engaging, and too nice with acceptance. I was quick to say "I'll work on it" to whatever critique someone had, so that 1) the critiques would magically "go away" and 2) I could try to achieve this "perfect" physical, mental, and emotional state. 

But, I had no idea how to "work on it" because I didn't know the first thing about self love. And even if I did "work on it" - I wasn't doing it for me. 

During divorce therapy, I learned that self love is: 

Setting boundaries and asking for what you need.  

No, I'm not going to drive two hours a day, five days a week. I need to work from home at least one day a week, preferably two days a week. Otherwise, I'm not going to be as productive.

Knowing that not everyone is going to like what you say or do, and understanding that that's okay. 

Hawaiian pizza is the best! * controversy ensues *

Forgiving yourself. 

My marriage didn't work out. But, it's not all my fault. But, the things that were my fault - I can take those and learn from them. 

Ignoring the haters. 

Bye, Felicia. 

Taking care of your body, heart, and soul. 

One of my New Year's goals is to GO TO BED. So, I set an alarm for 9:30 p.m. Sunday through Thursday as a reminder to go get ready for bed. I follow it...mostly. 

And the hardest of all for me: being mindful. 

Mindful of what I eat, say, think, feel... 

I have found that practicing these things leads to that elusive, sexy thing we call "confidence". I wish I didn't need a therapist to teach me that picking yourself up starts with you and a little self love. However, it was certainly the best money I'd ever spent. Right up there next to LASIK. Building up my confidence is a constant "work in progress", but: 

I like that I'm detail oriented. No task is going missing or falling behind on my watch. 

I like that I'm making myself a priority. Not an option. 

I like that I'm more comfortable with my body. 

I like that I'm trustworthy and reliable. 

I like that I'm ambitious. I tried pole dancing! 

...and nothing, nothing feels better than this. 

Happy Valentine's Day, lemon drops! I hope you all take a little time to practice self love. 

all my love,

KB