Still waters run deep

I took one of those online quizzes a long while back to discover my spirit animal and sincerely hoped that in the infinite wisdom of an online quiz that my spirit animal would be a fire-breathing, bad-ass dragon. To my surprise (and probably to no one else’s) it was not a dragon. 

It was a turtle. 

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I found out many months ago that he was going to remarry (and he did). And when I found out, I fumed. Then, I cried. Not because he remarried…because of who he married. Because, it felt like being humiliated all over again…like he never took a breath to mourn us. I wanted to rage, to throw some serious shade, to blow the gasket on truths that only very few know...to just be a horrible person. I might be a little horrible for even writing this. My friends talked me down. My mind and my heart know better.

Everyone deserves to be happy, Katie.

But, not him. Not right now. Not with her. 

But, he really does. 

I know. 

I asked for grace to meet me once again, to calm my heart and my soul. 

I remembered that he was my first love. I remembered the happy parts of our time together and I believe that at some point in our nine years, he must have loved me too. 

I remembered that we were dramatic, argumentative, and attached in the complete wrong way - the way where you are scared to be without the other person because you know nothing else... the way where you feel like you need the push and the pull...the waves...to keep going, even when you know it’s over...had been over. I want to believe that in the middle of everything detaching and crashing and that when our marriage was reduced to a pile of worthless stuff, that maybe he was as sad and as pained as I was. 

I remembered that despite how disrespectful he was and how f***ed up I feel it all is, it doesn’t matter - what he felt or didn’t feel, if anyone knows the truths, the aftermath and the he said, she said, they said. None of it matters - because we are nothing. Nothing but memories that will fade away as we live out our years. 

And I remembered that grace led me to still waters. And that I am a thousand times happier for it. 

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“The turtle symbolism asks you to protect yourself and those you love. Whenever you feel threatened, retreat safely and create an emotional or spiritual shield. Protect yourself from hurtful memories, bad influences, and negative forces. In your retreat, gain wisdom and gather strength to help you move forward.”

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A little over two years ago, I found the deal of the century on a rental condo six miles from my office. The condo became home, a haven for my heart, a place for me to rebuild myself and create still and calm in my life where there hadn’t been any for so long. 

Here, I learned more about myself in that short time than I had in the 20 some odd years before. Here, I was really, truly alone for the first time. There were nights where I hated that I was alone. But, most nights, I loved it. I cried and laughed in just about every room - even the bathroom. I made stupid decisions and amazing decisions. I stayed up until ungodly hours of the night and slept in like I was a teenager again. I watched whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted on my curved 4K smart TV (that was my first major purchase for the place). I drank wine out of my fancy wine glasses with the long stems. In the winters, I cranked up my electric blanket as high as it could go and hid under the covers. I decorated for every season - my specialty. I achieved big dreams - I finished my MBA and PMP and started two new jobs. 

Here, I rekindled old friendships and watched new ones develop, grow, and thrive. Know that I am so grateful for you and how much I love you. I also mourned friendships that slipped away... the ones where you say you’ll see each other but then you never do, the ones where you say you’ll be better at keeping in touch, but then you never are - because it’s too hard to be friends with both of us, because life happens and you aren’t in the same place anymore - geographically or otherwise, because you grew apart. I’m guilty too. 

Here, I reviewed my dating spreadsheet and took notes. I contemplated what I would do if I never met someone who wanted to do life with me - have a family with me, make a home with me…I’ve felt behind… and I have no shame in admitting that I cried very hard about it all...sometimes, not comparing yourself to other people is just so damn hard.  

And amidst all the busyness of my life and my thoughts here - happy and sad - there was an overall sense of peace and I felt like I could finally breathe again. 

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"The turtle meaning also encourages you to let yourself go with the tides and just surrender. Trust that you will get to where you need to be. Learn to enjoy the journey and receive the blessings that will come your way. Take it slow, and stop to smell the roses!”

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But, home, I’ve learned, isn’t always the place we choose and make our own. When I’m with you, I feel “home”. Still waters run deep. Peace of mind. I once read that’s how “true love” is characterized...should feel*. I am sure that what we have in common is a part of that. I think another part is that I know that I don’t need you. And I know that you don’t need me. But, I want you in my life. And I want to share my love, the inevitable changes, the normality, the wild, the spontaneity… with you. 

And I know that at some point, I’ll probably make you angry and you will make me angry too (I’ll just be in the bathroom crying). And even though I’m a little nervous, and a lot emotional, I am so ready for the next part of us - to make this place ours. 

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I know I will never be a fire-breathing, bad-ass dragon. That’s okay. I’ll take my shell any day over ashes, and I will keep heading toward the still water. 

with love, 

KB

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*Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can help You Find and Keep Love (Amir Levine and Rachel SF Heller).