Becoming Mom

Ahead of Mother’s Day 2021

“To feel that you still have a part of your old self, celebrate your pregnancy.” 

This isn’t what I thought it would be. I thought I would feel that “glow” and immediate love. I thought I would feel this deep physical and emotional connection to myself and our baby. I’ve searched high and low for something that will calm this aching body and swirling mind…I’ve tried the big u-shaped pregnancy pillow, the knee pillow, and exercise. I’ve tried getting a haircut to cope with drastic hair loss (yes, during pregnancy). I’ve tried getting a manicure and a pedicure to treat myself after I was fully vaccinated. I’ve tried talking to J, my mom, and some dear friends. I take my Benefiber three times a day to ward off hemorrhoids. I write weekly notes to the baby. I had these photos taken… 

And when I looked at them for the first time, I panicked and broke down because I saw a body and a face that didn't look like mine anymore. Because in a short amount of time, everything has changed in my life from my name, to my bank account, to the job I do, to the state and place I live in, to my physical appearance... and while all the changes are blessings I wasn’t sure I would have four, five years ago, I am tired (I know, I know - “you don’t know what tired is yet,” you say). And “Mom” is a whole new identity that I am trying to get comfortable with - physically and mentally - and I thought that doing the photos would help me see what J sees when he offers his encouragement and love. 

I know deep down that I may never look or feel like my old self again, and while that scares me more than giving birth to say that out loud, I realized that I didn’t want this time, these moments and memories of ours, to be lost forever in my ungrateful tears. Because this isn’t just about me. It’s about J. And our baby.  

So, I am going to celebrate us - a future family of three - with these photos and be present. I am going to choose to hold the memories of this little time remaining before the baby arrives as closely to my heart as the memories of our engagement and our wedding day. I am choosing to affirm to myself every day: 

• This pregnancy and baby are special. I am grateful to be able to have this opportunity. 

• I can do this - pregnancy, labor, birth. I am stronger than I think I am. 

• My body is going through a lot of changes. It may never be the same as it was before, but it is still beautiful and deserving of being loved and cared for. 

• I love and am deeply thankful for J. His affirmations for me are signs of his love for me and the family we are creating. 

And, I will be a good mom. The connection and love will come. 

with love, 

KB